For the past two weeks I have been trapped in my home, forced to wallow in the knee-deep piles of cough drop wrappers and Germ-X bottles that litter my bedroom floor, shut off from the world to the point that even school seemed a welcome reprieve from the germy boredom that has overtaken my life (unfortunately, the whole "school seems like a good idea" thing died as soon as math class started this morning). Who or what do I blame for this sad, sad fate? BRONCHITIS. 
This accursed inflammation of the main air passages to the lungs not only gives you a heinous cough that interferes with even the most basic, necessary things like, oh I dunno, SLEEPING, it also is contagious enough that you can't spend any time with your friends for the 3-6 weeks that it lasts, and your physician father forces you to wear a medical mask (like the one pictured above) any time you leave your room.
So what, you might ask, does one do to stay sane when held in the clutches of such an abominable illness? The answer is this: nothing. There is nothing you can do to stay sane -- it's just impossible. There are, however, a few things you can do to postpone the total mental/emotional breakdown that must eventually hit.


These are my personal favorites:

1. Sleep. Really, I think that one is pretty self-explanatory. When the coughing keeps you awake, medicate yourself. Look for the cough syrups that say "may cause drowsiness" and then take as much as you can without killing yourself. (Even though death might seem preferable to your current state, is OD-ing on cold medication really the way you want to go?) Once you finally emerge from your sweet, medically-induced slumber, move on to things 2, 3, 4 and 5.
2. Watch *insert TV show title of choice here* reruns until your eyes fall out. My *TV show title(s) of choice* are Pushing Daisies and Chuck. Anything silly, fun and slightly weird that doesn't involve too much thought on your part. If you're particularly medicated, though, you might be able to throw in a little Primeval or Heroes, just to shake things up.
3. Eat anything and everything in sight. Make 16 servings of your comfort food and then label the container "Poison" so no one else touches it. 
4. Listen to music. Once your favorite radio stations start repeating themselves, admit defeat and go to your dad for music suggestions. No matter how strange the 80's may have been, the music was pretty good. And really, anything's better than listening to nothing but the not-so-dulcet din caused by your own hacking (up a lung, that is). Or, if you're really lucky, you'll discover that a fake boy band you sort of like did a cover of an old song you sort of like -- and the result is a sound that caresses your ears and sooths you like a shoulder rub to your soul. Yep, I'm talking about this one:

5. And five, if you ever start to sink into a deep despair because you are feeling sorry for yourself and your admittedly pitiable condition, ask your friends for a pep talk. Because if your friends are half the friends that my friends are, you will get wonderful, comforting, heartfelt messages like this:
  "Oh, you have a cold? You can GET OVER IT."
Yep. My best friend actually gave me that note. Feelin' the  love, Not Cosmo -- reeeaaally feelin' it.


I hope, but don't expect, that you have found this blog post helpful, that you will take it to heart, and that it will come to your relief the next time you suffer from acute bronchitis.


Love,
ME